Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The most embarrassing story I've told so far

            How far would you go to not have sex? That's right, I said to not have sex. Most women can just say they're too tired or have a headache or that they're on their period or that they don't want it in the butt that particular night, but for men it is quite different. Actually, it's probably not but mine was a special case.
            I was in March Air Reserve Base in Riverside, California from the summer of '07 till the spring of '08. I was TAD (Temporary Additional Duty) to the Red Patchers there and was in charge of the logistical support of the deploying units. It was a lot of work and I was by myself. I was a Lance Corporal at the time and I had a Corporal Goodman with me who was great, but he delegated many of the tasks to me, to include buying the Sopranos DVDs that he mooched off of me. (He was a great guy, don't get me wrong, and a good Marine.)
            When we weren't working odd hours and a lot of them, we partied really, really hard. Harder than Marines should sometimes. I won't go into details, but it was a great time. One of the guys there, a black guy from Arkansas whose name I'm forgetting (he had a marvel comics sleeve and was one of my best friends there) took me out one night with the rest of the gang to a bar next to the college. I believe it was called The Ristorante, or the Cafe or something that didn't sound like a bar. We went out exclusively on Wednesdays: Ladies Night.
             Now those that remember, I was dating my ex at the time and was faithful so I just went for the drinking. One night, we went out and Marvel (black guy's name for this story) spotted a chick that was hot for the IE but basically within his standards. Problem was she had a grenade of a friend. I, being the designated wingman for the night had to play along.
            My date wasn't particularly ugly. Ok yeah, she was ugly. Not really a good face and she was fat. But not the kind of fat you could work with, or that kind of fat girl you keep on the side that you don't tell anyone about because you're embarrassed about being with her, she was gargantuan. About 5'6" and easily over 300lbs. She even waddled. I turned around and shot Marvel a look, to which he replied that he'd buy me one of those extra large Jack Daniel's bottles if I played a long. Anytime you put JD in front of me, I comply so I didn't protest. We danced and then they went home early because they had work in the morning but they promised Marvel they would meet us the next day.
            When the afternoon came, we met them at the ABC bowling alley near the base. All of the Red Patchers had heard about my whale date and had showed up en masse to see her. When she stomped in, the whole place erupted into laughter at me. I knew it, but I didn't care because the next night I would be so fucking hammered for free. After three pitchers of beer and 4 games bowled, me and Marvel took our women home to our hotel on base. My room was right by the stairs and Marvel's was across the catwalk a bit. The whole ride home I didn't want to go to my room. I wanted to do anything to stall the eventual sex. We got into our rooms and I decided a movie would be a fantastic idea to delay the physical activities. So I put on the worst movie I had, "Night at the Museum."
           After a bit, she started feeling me up and kissing me on my neck. I panicked, hoping my fidelity was no longer ruined, and excused myself to the bathroom. In there, I did the only thing I could think of. We couldn't have sex if I was unable to. Genius idea.
           (I'm about to talk about my penis for a sec, so if you don't want to read about it, skip this paragraph but the story will be lost if you do)
           I reached down into my pants and, using my middle finger, I pushed the tip of my dick into itself (like all bored guys have done sometime in their adolescents) and using my snug jeans, kept in in place. It wasn't all the way tucked in, only half way but seeing as how I'm circumcised, it was difficult to keep it in place.
          Walking out, I saw she had taken off her clothes and was completely naked on my bed, which seemed to strain at her weight. If anything, I did this to spare my bed a crushing fate. I gave her a worried and sad look and said, "I can't do this."
          "What do you mean you can't? You're hot and I'm ready to fuck, what else is there?" she gasped. I'm sure she thought it had something to do with her weight and I felt sorry for her. I didn't want to destroy her self confidence but I wasn't going to cheat on Grace.
           "I...I'm a eunuch." I sold it so well I should've gotten an Oscar.
           "You're joking."
           "I wish I was, look it's really embarrassing ok, I like you and you're hot (lie) but I just can't have sex. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell the guys. Please tell them we had sex, you can even say it was bad and I was terrible, I just really can't do it."

          "It's alright, please can we just ignore it? I'm sorry but we're not doing anything tonight."
          I sold it so well that she lied to her friend and told them that we fucked and I was fantastic. She felt sorry for me and I knew that my plan succeeded. I took some heat for it but I didn't break my promise to my long-distance woman. I immediately called Garrett, my best friend and told him. He laughed and complemented me on my diversion.
          I didn't tell the Red Patchers this because I knew they would only think I was lying about fucking a fatty, but I think this story is more embarrassing than going hogging, which all men have. I never broke my fidelity and now have this story to write on this blog. I hope you've enjoyed it.