Monday, April 18, 2011

Sh*t My Grandma Says

    Talking with my grandmother is hard work. She's great and all, but it's quite a task. Her need for Political Correction and ideals has become slightly hypocritical and convoluted. She'll bring up points in an argument that are either invalid or out of left field. Regardless, she will make herself look more accepting than you and try and make you feel like you're dumb for not thinking in her infallibly correct ideals. Black people are all nice, upstanding citizens and none of them are gangsters because that's racist. All illegal immigrants are here to work for their children's future, and to suggest a portion are here to run drugs is horrendous. Yet smokers are the evil people, and republicans are dimwits who have zero intelligence (I hope you see some inconsistency here). To sum it all up, she is full of White Guilt.

    "What did you see at the zoo today?" She asked my little cousin Jackson.
    "Mexicans." We had just finished remarking how it was Mexican day at the zoo. She huffed as if she had just heard someone throw 'nigger' at her face.
    "Whose child is this?"
    "Jefferey's." My uncle answers, some what condescendingly.
    "Yeah...exactly" She retorts. At this point, I don't know if I felt the need to defend my absent father or just be a little shit.
    "What is the problem? I stated the fact that there were Mexicans at the zoo today. Why are you turning 'Mexican'  into a negative connotation, grandma?"

    Holy fuck, her eyes said as she realized she was losing ground. Quick, what is she to do? How can she reply to make herself the better person? She could take the obvious route and point out that I was being racist for humor; she could say how I am just being annoying and watch my tone; she could also say something completely random. Well I wouldn't be writing this if she hadn't chose the third route. Be warned: rationality will be lost here.
    She holds up her finger to prove physically that her studious and well learned point will rock my face off.
    "Why didn't you say you saw a bunch of Catholics?"
    Wow, grandma. I don't know how to even respond to this. Thank god I've taken some logic class at Chandler-Gilbert Community College, or else I wouldn't be able to answer your thought out and deeply insightful reply.
    "Because not all Mexicans are Catholics. Again with the stereotypes, Grandma . . ." (if you can read my sarcasm here, then you are better at reading it than she is face to face)
    "No, because they're mostly Mormon." Says the matriarch of the family.
    "How. . . wha. . . I don't even know how that relates to saying they saw some Mexicans at the zoo. It's Arizona." At this point, I've turned my back to her to continue cleaning the lime build up on the pool. I am trying my best to not laugh at her, but everyone stops caring as soon as Jackson (the baby) starts to dip my uncle's putter into the water.

    If you've seen The Office, you may recognize a similar interchange between Michael Scott and Oscar. Michael tells his subordinate not to call Oscar Mexican because it is racist. Oscar asks why, since he is actually Mexican. In Michael's Political Correctness, he outs his own prejudices; hilariously. I wish I could find the clip to show you. Arguing with her is fun for me. I try to do everything possible sometimes to point out logical errors in her ideas, but she keeps on coming (she's a pescatarian, by choice of morals-not health, for Christ's sake, this is for another blog post about vegetarianism). It is made more fun by my Grandma's incredible ability to be critical of everyone else's life choices. Seriously, debating her is as fun as watching To Catch A Predator.

PS: I love my grandmother very much. She is wonderful and has done numerous things for me without hesitation. Despite my writings about her, she is a very smart woman. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks, I guess. It is purely a game I play with myself to see how she thinks and operates. She is a study all her own. Really, I cannot put into words how amazing my grandma is to me and our family. We'd have been lost long ago without her leadership.

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