Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Are you there God? It's me, Charmander.

Are you there God? It's me, Charmander.

Something is happening to me and I'm scared. All of the other Pokemon haven't changed but as the child's favorite, I seem to be maturing faster than them. Squirtle calls me Char'girl'der from his pokeball and it's getting on my nerves. He's a jerk. I don't know why but my body is developing at a rapid rate. The boy is giving me pieces of candy and every time he does my voice drops an octave. To my dismay, they're taffy which the fire that bellows from my mouth at odd, uncontrollable times usually melts which causes beatings. Seriously, God, I expel embers from my mouth at the worst times. At the Pokemon day care, I sometimes have to keep my mouth closed so Bulbasaur and Squirtle won't notice. I've already described Squirtle's behavior so I wont go any further, but Bulbasaur is just a follower, God. He doesn't think for himself and is always way nicer to me when the other Pokemon aren't around. Sometimes at night, I have what the Rapidash here calls a “Nocturnal Ignition.” I don't think you want to hear about it. Needless to say, at the church camp sleep over last week when the tent burnt down, I promise I didn't mean to char your son's effigy.
Even my physical shape is changing. My nose isn't flat and domed, it is growing pointy and defined. The Chansey says it's cute but I'm avoiding her like the Smog. She is homely and the last thing I need now is to be labeled a “Chansey Chaser.” My mouth, formerly a large maw that made Otakus blush, is now suffering from a severe overbite. I have a permanent scowl, which when I play with my friends makes me look intimidating, but I can't convince people that I'm not mad all of the time. To top it all off, God, I now have a large phallic growth on my head. I don't feel the need to give the jokes made at its expense a mention.
It's not all bad though. I seem to have developed elbows and larger fingers, although they're still just claws. Can you change that? I'd like to wipe my ass without tearing the paper. The fire on my tail has been burning brighter lately which helps me read in my pokeball and I'm slightly taller.
I'm only level 16, God. I'm in the prime of my life and nothing is more important than the events right now. Why is all of this happening to me? Please, send help.

PS: God, It'd be really neat if I could get wings sometime. I'd like to fly away from the Squirtles of the world.

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